Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Randomize
