Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
