just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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