My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
