Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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