I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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