Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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