im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my phone needs a breathalizer
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
