Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
