i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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