For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
