I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
