Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
