I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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