God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
