If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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