It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
