i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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