Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
