i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
