So drunk its hurt
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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