THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
