Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
