i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Ketchup is God's man juice
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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