I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
