I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
