if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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