Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
