So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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