For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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