he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
