Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
