Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
