so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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