last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
