She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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