god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
