Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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