just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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