best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
