i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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