fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Girls should come with a carfax report
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
