Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
