who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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