It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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