Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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