where am i from again
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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