Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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