i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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