Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
