i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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