Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
