Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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